What a difference a week can make!

Hi,
From my post last sunday to now it is exciting to start seeing some (slow) progress and improvements in many aspects. I had a physio appointment earlier today and apart from the expected aches and pains post major surgery, things are as they should be which is alway supporting to hear.

While my scars are still playing up and are yet to heal and i can still not swim (or show the scars in public) I have been able to start back on a Wattbike the past few days. On the scars, last night i had some fun pulling out 2 stitches. Stitches which should never have been removed by the way. For some reason my body seems to be rejecting the foreign materials in my leg, resulting in pieces of fishing line and string protruding from my leg on random occasions. I feel I have shared enough pictures of the scars and I fear the ear bashing from females I will cop for posting another so will leave it with just a description.

On my progress, I can now sit on the wattbike for 10 minutes at around 100-130watts, this feels comfortable however I am in no rush to push things so will continue to take it easy for a while longer. I am now one day short of 5 weeks post op, however in terms of soft tissue healing, for the trauma i went through, it would be at least 3 months before the tissue really heals and even another 3 months from that until the physiotherapists suggest 100% healing. For those of you familiar with power output on a bike, 100 watts is bugger all however to just be able to move my legs is a good feeling and it is progress from only a few weeks ago when i was unable to walk at all.

I have also been spending some time on the Alter G treadmill that is located at the Victorian Institute of Sport. This machine can alter the weight of your body while walking or running. For me it is very useful and i have been walking at 50% body weight and concentrating on proper gait patterns and working some range back into my calves which are still very stiff. The photo below shows this machine (with me looking very happy) which is much easier than me trying to explain it.

I am also spending considerable time and effort working my upper body and core in the gym. Typically I will spend the morning session completing a circuit based session targeting high repetitions and intensity in the exercises. As an example, this morning i spent 40 minutes continuously completing upper body and core activities, to give you some idea of the intensity for the 40 minutes my average heart rate was 148bpm. And this afternoon I will head in again and do some strength based exercises along with some more stability based activities. Over the coming weeks it is planned that i will have another video to share with you, and this will include some footage of these activities for those of you who are interested so stay tuned for that.

As a side note, the reason I am so keen on working hard in the gym at the moment is not only to start to return my physical state to that of what is required, but for the benefit it gives mentally. To be able to exercise in some capacity is having a significant positive influence on my mental state. This is something that should never be underestimated. I would hope that all of you reading this would be aware of the chemicals 'endorphins' that are released during exercise. If not then i suggest you do a google search. The pleasure associated with exercise is something that for somebody who craves it so much to not be able too is pretty tough, so to be at a point now where i can feel good from completing a solid intensive workout is fantastic even if it is just upper body for now. This has and will result in less mood swings going forward along with fewer restless nights unable to sleep due to just not being tired.

Also just briefly on the mental aspect, yesterday I went for a drive down the coast to Lorne to get out of the city, get a burger from my favourite burger place 'bottle of milk', went for a swim which lasted 6 minutes before i succumbed to antarctic conditions and I also spent some time driving around the hills behind Lorne exploring. Being unable to spend hours on my road bike which is such a release for me, i figured a long drive exploring was possibly the next best option to fill my sunday. For those of you from around here, these photos will show where i was. It really is a nice part of the world, and to get out into the Otway forrest can be a great place to just escape from everything for a few hours.

For now that is all, it is time for a quick nap before heading to the gym again, however without stopping by my good friends at BikeNow on the way to pass on my hard earned as I have decided to purchase a new 29er MTB as a present to myself for dealing with all the shit of the last 6 months. Retail therapy at its best i guess. Although I am excited for when i am able to ride again to do some cross country riding, something I have not done since i was a kid. So there is a logical reason to be buying another bike....

Stay tuned for some exciting upcoming video posts.
Be in touch again soon.
Regards, John

Where I am currently at

       I know I am at risk of sounding too much like a sad case in the last few posts. However unfortunately for me its just a part of the process that has to be taken in order to return back to a somewhat more normal lifestyle. This is not going to happen overnight. And where I hope this all to end up is still a long way off so bear with me for now. My intention in this blog is to keep everything honest, so sugar coating things is not an option nor of any benefit. 

Since my last update I don't exactly have anything super interesting to share with you that has happened, however i do want to take the chance to talk you through some of the emotion and experiences i have faced over the last 6 months and last few years. Hopefully some of you will be able to relate to these experiences both within a sporting environment and maybe also within other aspects of life whatever they may be. 

As a side note, I am finding it hard to talk about everything that I am going through, what i write is not easy to do and i do fear being judged by my friends, family and others, and therefore ask that you please take this information at face value and is nothing more than me trying to share my story and has no hidden agenda or am I appealing for anything in any way. Remembering that all this has a big carrot at the end of it all, and if i can return to an elite level it is these posts which will be important in tracking the honest journey through my rehabilitation. 

The reason i write this is because of what i am about to share. At the moment, life sucks. I am absolutely sick and tired of being in rehabilitation and being unable to do what I want. Last year i watched on as my 2011 team mates competed in London. This I was able to take on the chin, and considered that I had no choice but to keep moving forward and make everything count next year (2013). To be struck down again in January this year was a completely f*&^%# for me. For a period of about 3 weeks i knew my condition had returned and that i was in serious shit, even though my results on the water in december 2012 and still in january 2013 were heading in the right direction towards a good season. Surgery was again required and I was given hope that the condition was behind me for good. 

However, to have to go through the realisation again in April only 2 months post op that I was still suffering from lack of blood flow below my knee was just shit. Realizing that the surgery was unsuccessful was bloody hard. No other way around that. There is a big cycle of emotion that somebody goes through when they are so committed to a particular goal which they are unable to obtain for whatever reason be it in sport like me or missing a promotion at work for example. For me, I went from being on top of the world in december last year after being successful in a national time trial returning from a tough year, to only a month later completely devastated knowing that my body was not right yet again, and i would need more surgery. To meet with a surgeon and be told it can be fixed, brings you instantly out of the depressive state, and enjoyment follows with the excitement that it is not all over. This continues to entering hospital which to me has been a very positive place as I feel that i am about to be 'mended'. This euphoria lasts a while, until the point where you realise that there is a seriously long road ahead before you can return to what it is you so greatly desire. Currently I find myself at the point where the excitement associated with being told there is a surgical cure, and the surgery itself has worn off, and now i am facing the reality that it is not like it is just a few weeks and all will be good, I have months and months of hard work and shit times before i would consider myself at a level capable of trialling for a seat in the national team. And unfortunately for some particularly close to me, who may witness some of the mood swings associated, it is a while before these are behind me. To quickly summarise what i have just said... 

A CYCLE OF EMOTION

Happiness- doing what you love doing. Competing to a high standard. Living the dream, training with your mates and enjoying yourself and the lifestyle. 

Denial- feeling your feet going numb during exercise but not fully admitting the seriousness of the situation. 

Frustration/Anger- accepting that you are again unable to continue exercise/sport and you have to step back from your sporting goals

Despair - Wondering if you will ever be able to exercise again in your life, let alone compete in high level sport

Excitement - Being told by a surgeon that there is a major procedure that you have not yet had, and that this offers a high percentage chance of complete recovery. And the excitement of being in hospital and being on the road to recovery

Sadness/Frustration- Leaving hospital and beginning to comprehend and accept the long road ahead (this is not helped by having been through the same situation many times before, I think as i mentioned in a previous post that when I was 19 and having shoulder reconstructions I never thought about the actual road to recovery, it was more I just did it as that was what i needed to do)

Anyways, the reason i wanted to spend some time explaining all that, as having been through it 5 times with my legs and 3 times with my shoulder it has really started to wear thin on me. The amount of emotional energy it takes to get through such major setbacks and subsequent medical procedures is wearing me out and there is only so much somebody can take. I know that thinking about all these experiences as a whole is not smart and of course is going to be overwhelming, however when i sit on the couch this afternoon and look back at the journey that has been so far, i find it hard not to be frustrated that it has not have been multiple years on the national team living the dream, like so many of my good mates have done over the past few years enjoying everything that comes with that: training in Italy, competing at world championships and world cups, training and living with your good mates etc.

To watch Josh Dunkley-Smith last weekend on my laptop at home race at the world cup in Lucerne, Switzerland is hard. We went to school together and rowed together, and both came through the U23 program at Mercantile, his path has gone one way, and mine the other. Not only is it hard watching him, but at the beginning of this year we had a lot of fun together while on training camps and to have lost that friendship at the moment isn't easy either. Or as another example with the TV currently on watching Tom Hawkins who i spent summer holidays with when i was younger excel while playing for the cats in the AFL is tough, as a kid I always dreamed of following in my dads footsteps at Geelong which is what Tom is now doing following his dad Jack. To have watched his journey with interest makes me jealous (Obviously i was not given the skills to make it in football...)

 I know everybody has had tough times, but I guess my experiences have really made me realise how cruel life can be sometimes, being so close (at times) yet so far from your goals and this will be something that drives me back to what i desire with this feeling now of watching others excel makes me so determined to achieve my personal goals. 

Finishing on a more positive note I am so confident that when i get my chance to perform on the big stage it will be all the more enjoyable when i look back at what i went through to get there and i will not waste any chance i get. That is something i continually am reminding myself of. It will be worth it! And to show those who have always supported me how much it means to me, particularly my parents who have shared the entire journey will be so special. 

I think that is enough for today and I will leave it at that for now. Again, apologies for the somewhat emotional reading experience, however this is an 'honest insight' and i do hope that somebody somewhere is able to take something from this and continue to chase their dreams whatever they may be. 

Regards, John 

Week 3 post op. Reflecting and getting back in the gym

This week has been an improvement from last week from a physical point of view. Last week i spent the majority of my time stuck in bed and on the couch. You will soon see in the video below footage of me sliding around the house, this was because it was too painful to even stand up let alone be able to walk. A bit too much information maybe, but to give an example I was actually urinating in bottles beside my bed for a few days simply due to the effort required and pain associated to get to the bathroom was too great. This made me feel pretty shit about life, and a world away from some of my rowing mates in northern Italy who were posting pictures on social media while on training camp in Varese, a town i spent 6 weeks living in 2011 prior to the world championships. Seeing them doing what i had hoped to be doing this year is tough to stomach. To combat this I decided to reflect through some pictures of me last time I was in europe rowing in 2011. 

Ready to hit the water in Varese, Italy.

 Training in Varese. 

Amazing place to train.

Lucas Neil, Socceroos captain was even lucky enough to spend 

some time with us and joined us on the water one afternoon.

Relaxing by the pool on a day off, life was good. 

 Racing in Bled, Slovenia. World Championships

The finish of our race at worlds in 2011 (4th place). To the guys in the boat

 with me sorry for posting this, but i want to share this as it gives me all 

the motivation i need to do it again only better. 

Being stuck in bed made me very bored and resulted with a frustrated individual which did not help some unfortunate relationship issues I was dealing with, so made for a very tough week. Thankfully this week I am now able to stand up and slowly walk about and also drive. Driving has allowed me to get into the Victorian Institute of Sport each day to do a mixture of upper body weights and core stability exercises, along with some cardiovascular training on a swimming ergometer. My scars are not yet healed well enough to risk infection from swimming in the pool. I have put together a video showing some of the activities I have been completing. Being able to involve myself in physical activity again has been great, and has helped ease my bored and frustrated mind to some degree. 

The session on the swimming ergo was my first session back in the gym post op and I decided to do a 30min max effort to get a benchmark that i can compare to over the next few months during my training until i can really get stuck into training and begin testing myself on the Wattbike. This was a good idea prior to starting it.. Thinking about it, this decision to go hard first session probably gives an you an insight into some of my personality traits, I know a few of my rowing mates will have something to say about this. (comment away)

 Even though you can see i am moving around now. I am still a number of weeks away from being able to start slowly on a stationary bike which is what i so desperately want. 

I hope you enjoyed the visual aspect in this post, i hope that as this goes on, i will become more skilled at being able to edit a video and pick out some good stuff for you to view, as i am sure it is better watching than having to read my posts. 

Also, thanks to Olympic Ayres for allowing me to use their song daylight in my video. 

OLYMPIC AYRES (Triple J unearthed)

Olympicayres/facebook

Cheers, Linke

Perfect Sunday Morning

"When force of circumstance upsets your equanimity, lose no time in recovering your self control, and do not remain out of tune longer than you can help. Habitual recurrence to the harmony will increase your mastery of it." Marcus Aurelius

I am not normally one to read quotes, let alone share them. However a crew mate of the 2011 mens 8 gave me the Marcus Aurelius Meditations book while i was in hospital and reading it this morning i found the above quote very relevant to my current physical state in regards to chasing a dream in rowing.

From where I sit right now in my bed these two photos share what i can currently see.

I wish that on a morning like this i could just get on my bike and return 6 hours later.  A few hill reps of the 1/20 and the devils elbow in the Dandenongs followed by100km along beach road. This is what i so greatly want, as with everything that I am currently going through, a long ride is what would help me clear my mind. 

I feel that once i can ride/exercise again, at least i feel that i am making progress towards my return to sport. However this morning, stuck in bed basically unable to even walk its the opposite i feel and I get stressed that i am sliding further and further backwards. When you are unable to do what you want, you definitely gain more appreciation when you are once again able to do as you please. Some of the reason for sharing some of this with you, is that some time in the future i will find myself smashed from months of training, and contemplating a long sunday ride in the cold and wet at the end of the week will be daunting, however looking back to where i am now will provide more motivation than i will need to get stuck into it. In regards to my rehabilitation i am hopeful that in around 6 weeks time I will be physically able to at least start back on a bike. Until then though, swimming starts this week, i can't swim very well, but i am planning to swim until my arms wont let me swim anymore. Then do the same again the next day, although at the same time still benching more than the current bench press specialist in the gym, fergybill. I think harry needs to explain to him there are more exercises on offer in the Victorian Institute of Sport gym.

 As a side note, i hope to keep these updates short enough to get through in a few minutes, otherwise they will become too boring for you and surely i am rambling. I also hope some of you can gain some appreciation of your physical capabilities from this and start being more active without making daily excuses as to why you are not as fit and healthy as you may want to be. Thanks for reading.

Cheers, Linke

First week out of hospital

One week out of hospital! 

Just to put into perspective the magnitude of the procedure I had last week i have decided to share a few images that i have. My Vascular surgeon Bill Campbell was kind enough to pass on these to me. They show both the left and right Plantaris that he removed from the back of my leg. When looking at the Plantaris in anatomy books, it doesn't look very big, but seeing it in the flesh has certainly made me understand why it is I am so sore and can barely move around. Apologies for those who find this a little full on. But I am keen to share them, as staring at these makes me feel happy as i figure these two pieces of tissue have cost me so much over the last 3 years, and i am glad that they are now out of me and hopefully will ensure my popliteal artery is no longer being impinged.

Below is a close up shot of one of the Plantaris tissues.

When i was looking at this picture prior to surgery i didn't really comprehend how invasive the surgery was. Looking at this picture it just looks so simple, just removing the plantaris... easy as. Looking back i was just a little bit ignorant.

These last two photos gives you a little more of an idea of the number of procedures that i have had to date. Here you can see three incisions on each leg. And the photo below shows the incisions from earlier this year behind my knee.

 This last photo is showing the incisions that i had early this year, where i had a surgeon have a little bit of a stab in the dark at fixing my issue, this procedure did absolutely nothing. I knew within 20km of being back on my bike that my legs were still not right, symptoms being numb foot and cramping calf... not ideal. And something i will elaborate more on in the future, but having surgery only to realise it was unsuccessful is not an easy thing to deal with and to say it caused some problems in my life would be an understatement as those close to me are well aware of.

So hopefully for those of you unfamiliar with my history, seeing these photos puts things into more perspective. 

To briefly summarise the last week since i left hospital. I have basically been unable to stand even assisted with crutches. Only today have i felt able to put some pressure on my feet. I think the best example i can give is that i have been sliding along the ground to get the kitchen and the bathroom and to move around the house. Life's two essentials at the moment.. Walking with crutches is still rather painful, and after a short walk from a car to a cafe, i am immediately searching for the pain killers. Hopefully over the next week i will be able to apply more pressure to my legs and begin to straighten my knee and flex my ankle more and more each day. It will be extremely exciting to be able to do small things in life like being able to walk from my room to the kitchen or couch, not having to crawl anymore will be a good first step... 

I have tried to keep this short and in some way slightly interesting. I have been using a video recorder to capture some of the last week, when i can work out how to share these clips with you I will be sure to post them so stay tuned for that. Also, if you have any questions, please feel free to comment and i will try and answer, however if you don't find this at all interesting i understand and do not require comments informing me of this.  

Cheers, John