I know I am at risk of sounding too much like a sad case in the last few posts. However unfortunately for me its just a part of the process that has to be taken in order to return back to a somewhat more normal lifestyle. This is not going to happen overnight. And where I hope this all to end up is still a long way off so bear with me for now. My intention in this blog is to keep everything honest, so sugar coating things is not an option nor of any benefit.
Since my last update I don't exactly have anything super interesting to share with you that has happened, however i do want to take the chance to talk you through some of the emotion and experiences i have faced over the last 6 months and last few years. Hopefully some of you will be able to relate to these experiences both within a sporting environment and maybe also within other aspects of life whatever they may be.
As a side note, I am finding it hard to talk about everything that I am going through, what i write is not easy to do and i do fear being judged by my friends, family and others, and therefore ask that you please take this information at face value and is nothing more than me trying to share my story and has no hidden agenda or am I appealing for anything in any way. Remembering that all this has a big carrot at the end of it all, and if i can return to an elite level it is these posts which will be important in tracking the honest journey through my rehabilitation.
The reason i write this is because of what i am about to share. At the moment, life sucks. I am absolutely sick and tired of being in rehabilitation and being unable to do what I want. Last year i watched on as my 2011 team mates competed in London. This I was able to take on the chin, and considered that I had no choice but to keep moving forward and make everything count next year (2013). To be struck down again in January this year was a completely f*&^%# for me. For a period of about 3 weeks i knew my condition had returned and that i was in serious shit, even though my results on the water in december 2012 and still in january 2013 were heading in the right direction towards a good season. Surgery was again required and I was given hope that the condition was behind me for good.
However, to have to go through the realisation again in April only 2 months post op that I was still suffering from lack of blood flow below my knee was just shit. Realizing that the surgery was unsuccessful was bloody hard. No other way around that. There is a big cycle of emotion that somebody goes through when they are so committed to a particular goal which they are unable to obtain for whatever reason be it in sport like me or missing a promotion at work for example. For me, I went from being on top of the world in december last year after being successful in a national time trial returning from a tough year, to only a month later completely devastated knowing that my body was not right yet again, and i would need more surgery. To meet with a surgeon and be told it can be fixed, brings you instantly out of the depressive state, and enjoyment follows with the excitement that it is not all over. This continues to entering hospital which to me has been a very positive place as I feel that i am about to be 'mended'. This euphoria lasts a while, until the point where you realise that there is a seriously long road ahead before you can return to what it is you so greatly desire. Currently I find myself at the point where the excitement associated with being told there is a surgical cure, and the surgery itself has worn off, and now i am facing the reality that it is not like it is just a few weeks and all will be good, I have months and months of hard work and shit times before i would consider myself at a level capable of trialling for a seat in the national team. And unfortunately for some particularly close to me, who may witness some of the mood swings associated, it is a while before these are behind me. To quickly summarise what i have just said...
A CYCLE OF EMOTION
Happiness- doing what you love doing. Competing to a high standard. Living the dream, training with your mates and enjoying yourself and the lifestyle.
Denial- feeling your feet going numb during exercise but not fully admitting the seriousness of the situation.
Frustration/Anger- accepting that you are again unable to continue exercise/sport and you have to step back from your sporting goals
Despair - Wondering if you will ever be able to exercise again in your life, let alone compete in high level sport
Excitement - Being told by a surgeon that there is a major procedure that you have not yet had, and that this offers a high percentage chance of complete recovery. And the excitement of being in hospital and being on the road to recovery
Sadness/Frustration- Leaving hospital and beginning to comprehend and accept the long road ahead (this is not helped by having been through the same situation many times before, I think as i mentioned in a previous post that when I was 19 and having shoulder reconstructions I never thought about the actual road to recovery, it was more I just did it as that was what i needed to do)
Anyways, the reason i wanted to spend some time explaining all that, as having been through it 5 times with my legs and 3 times with my shoulder it has really started to wear thin on me. The amount of emotional energy it takes to get through such major setbacks and subsequent medical procedures is wearing me out and there is only so much somebody can take. I know that thinking about all these experiences as a whole is not smart and of course is going to be overwhelming, however when i sit on the couch this afternoon and look back at the journey that has been so far, i find it hard not to be frustrated that it has not have been multiple years on the national team living the dream, like so many of my good mates have done over the past few years enjoying everything that comes with that: training in Italy, competing at world championships and world cups, training and living with your good mates etc.
To watch Josh Dunkley-Smith last weekend on my laptop at home race at the world cup in Lucerne, Switzerland is hard. We went to school together and rowed together, and both came through the U23 program at Mercantile, his path has gone one way, and mine the other. Not only is it hard watching him, but at the beginning of this year we had a lot of fun together while on training camps and to have lost that friendship at the moment isn't easy either. Or as another example with the TV currently on watching Tom Hawkins who i spent summer holidays with when i was younger excel while playing for the cats in the AFL is tough, as a kid I always dreamed of following in my dads footsteps at Geelong which is what Tom is now doing following his dad Jack. To have watched his journey with interest makes me jealous (Obviously i was not given the skills to make it in football...)
I know everybody has had tough times, but I guess my experiences have really made me realise how cruel life can be sometimes, being so close (at times) yet so far from your goals and this will be something that drives me back to what i desire with this feeling now of watching others excel makes me so determined to achieve my personal goals.
Finishing on a more positive note I am so confident that when i get my chance to perform on the big stage it will be all the more enjoyable when i look back at what i went through to get there and i will not waste any chance i get. That is something i continually am reminding myself of. It will be worth it! And to show those who have always supported me how much it means to me, particularly my parents who have shared the entire journey will be so special.
I think that is enough for today and I will leave it at that for now. Again, apologies for the somewhat emotional reading experience, however this is an 'honest insight' and i do hope that somebody somewhere is able to take something from this and continue to chase their dreams whatever they may be.
Regards, John
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